Friday, 28 October 2011

Why me and exercise don't mix...

This morning a couple of my neighbours asked me if I wanted to go hiking with them.  Apparently it's what one of them does every year on her birthday!  Personally, I can think of more appropriate activities by way of celebrating - activities that involve a few glasses of wine, a cake and maybe a few pressies...

So obviously I said a polite no to their invitation - although even if I didn't have work to do, it's fair to say I still wouldn't have been chomping at the bit to join them.

You see me and exercise don't really mix. 

But it was only when I received an email from another friend of mine that I realised I'm probably not the only one with an aversion to all things strenuous - an email that described my stint at gym membership to a tee!:


Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobics instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!"


  1. Riotous! But so true. At least for those of us with IQ's in triple digits. Physical exercise is for those who can't find an alternative, like lifting and downing a full plate of brownies; yummy fudge iced brownies.
    I'll laugh all day over this one.]

  2. So pleased you enjoyed the post, Pat. Although I have to say I'm more a chocolate lover myself x

  3. Suzie, I agree that a birthday should be all about pampering instead of what we "should" be doing. A week's worth of personal training would have cost enough to pay for a fabulous trip to Paris. That might have been the better way to go.

  4. I totally agree. I mean who actually chooses to go hiking on their birthday! Let alone choose gym membership! Honestly, in my view some people just have no idea x

  5. I'm a gym rat...kicks up endorphin--birthday or no birthday...(but heck, who am I to talk :)) :)) Much entertained by your words.

  6. So glad you took my words in the spirit they were meant, Henya. Then again, I bet you see loads of people at you're gymn secretly holding my view - trying to hide their grimaces with a smile x

  7. ROFLOAO! That is brilliant! Though we love exercise, we can fully sympathise. Can't stop laughing at the image of her landing on the health and nutrition teacher :D :D

  8. Hi C L Raven, I most certainly sympathize with the poor woman... not only did she endure a week at the gym, but even worse, her husband bought her the membership! I mean, what's that all about? x

  9. LOL! That was a great post!!! And I soooo agree: exercising should be against the law! Its cruel and just too much effort. Who ever invented it in the first place? I say we hang him. (Notice I blamed a HE! LOL!)

    Thanks for the laugh today, Suzie!

    Hugs, Kari Thomas,

  10. You're welcome, Kari. At least whilst we're laughing we're exercising our facial muscles x

  11. This was a very enjoyable post. Nice for my first visit to your blog. I'm not much on exercise either, it's just too much work, lol.

    Now a hike sounds fun to me, but I don't think I would make it far.

  12. Thanks for taking the time to drop by, Cher.

    For me, the clue is in the word and words like 'hike' just don't sound fun. Stroll, on the other hand... x

  13. Just wandered over from AbsoluteWrite, and I'm excited to explore your blog! This is a great post... :)

  14. Hi LisaAnn

    Glad you enjoyed the post... hope you enjoy the others too x

  15. having just come back from a rather strenuous karate session, read this again, laughed and ate a well deserved chocolate bar

    Jacqui xx

  16. And a well deserved chocolate bar it sounds, too, Jacqui x

  17. This is one of the best blogs I have ever read. I too, eschew exercise. If God had meant us to exercise he would NEVER have given us the motorcar. Your blog should be sent as a message of hope to all the sensible people out there

  18. That's really lovely of you to say, Jenny. And as for your sentiment on the old exercise, I couldn't agree more! x

  19. What an enjoyable and entertaining read! :-)

  20. Thanks, Kimberly. Glad you enjoyed it x